Heya, I’m backkkkk!! I just needed to take some time to see how you all are, because I know that lately I’ve struggling quite a lot. No one really saw how hard it was for me and my parents would shout at me for looking so unlively, saying they’re sick of seeing this facial expression on me, but I’m just so tired. I really am tired. It’s been really hard for me lately and I feel the weight of everything crushing down onto me. I guess I’ve finally found myself within the period of quarantine and now that I’m back at school and have so much to do, I’m falling underneath the weight of it all.
During the months of quarantine, I haven’t been doing work and I’ve really taken care of myself mentally and physically because when I was preparing for GCSEs, I barely slept, ate or drank properly, so quarantine was a really great way for me to reset and get my life back in order – which it did, but it also got me into the habit of not working and just relaxing. When there’s too much that I’ve got to do, I tend to write out a to do lost for the day, then I schedule my timings and stick to this rigid structure, but now it doesn’t seem to work because I would plan everything out, and I’d end up not focussing and I’d end up doing something else. I feel like I’m losing control and I can’t hold myself to the standard that I was at before. But there’s no time for me to slack off, there’s so much that I have to get done.
These 2 years will be the toughest years for me. I dream of getting into Oxbridge and maybe get into publishing instead of music, which is a big step for me because for as long as I remember, all I’ve ever wanted was to study music, but now I want to work in the magazine industry and bring it back to life. I plan on passing my driving theory and practical test within 1 year, and alongside it my Grade 5 theory exam. There’s so much work at the sixth form already so juggling so much is so difficult. I practice 3 hours of piano a day because by the end of the 2 years I want to have my Grade 8 piano done.
I haven’t felt like this in a long time, where I feel like I’m losing myself again, where everything is going so fast and I haven’t even had time to catch my breath, but I also can’t slow down to breathe because there’s not enough time. I truly feel exhausted and I’m at lost with what to do. My birthday is in 3 days so it should be the time where I have fun right? Wrong, there’s so much school work, and all the other things I have to juggle. I really just need a break at this point. I feel so overwhelmed by everything, even with people I’m happy with, I’m just not happy anymore.
Especially since we’re in the middle of a pandemic, everyone is going through their own stuff and everyone has their own problems, so if you ever need to talk to me, just send me a text on my Instagram, @vxivian._ I will be here for you! Sairah and I have discussed our blog and how we started it off as anonymous, and we’ve reached the conclusion that she will reveal herself when she wants to, and as will I. To me revealing myself isn’t something that I would mind a lot, I don’t really mind if you know what I look like, and who I am.
Sorry this was a lengthy post, many of you probably won’t read it but I just wanted to check in with you guys x
Lots of Love